In a Word: Customized

_{^{Photo courtesy of @colton_jyz on Instagram.}}

I purchased a Subaru Impreza last year. A friend of mine has had the same make (a year older) for a little bit of time. Now look at his ride (photographed to the right) and look at a photo of mine (below). Not exactly mine but that is the car I purchased.

_{^{As seen on Subaru’s website and my driveway.}}

Same car, no? I’m sure the argument can be easily made that they are. Yet, they aren’t. There’s a whole lot of customization on/in Colton’s care that are brazenly lacking in/on mine. I look at the customized version of my same care and wonder about…life.

You see a fly, customized car. Maybe it’s a high-end performance car. Maybe it’s an older sedan. Either way, there’s something stirring about a car that has been made personal. I have to imagine anyone making such alterations to their car, which was probably fine the way it was, is getting exactly what they want. Making precisely the version of the car upon which their heart has been set.

Some of us pick up the factory model right off the lot and that’s what we drive around. Purely for functional. That’s ok. It gets from one point to another and sometimes even the most basic iteration still looks pretty snappy.

Still, I can’t help but feel a longing when I see a customized vehicle and what it must feel like for the operator; the sense of pride and purpose driving around a car (truck, motorcycle) of one’s own imagining.

That’s the thing about those customized cars, someone went out and made some intentional choices. They didn’t just accept or go with what was sitting there. I admire the people who carve out, create a purposeful life.

^{Photo dug up on Pinterest that doesn’t link to any site. It’s a purdy color though.}

So much intention. Whether it’s a a simple as picking out an uncommon color, matching the interior, or tinting the windows, there’s plenty of ways to metaphorically customize your life.

I’ve started the process of shaping my own life into something more customized. I’ve caught on late, but I have caught on. The factory standards aren’t fulfilling anymore and I see the potential my base-model has for some sweet upgrades and adjustments. A writing career over a retail job. A more secure financial position over paycheck-to-paycheck. Working past the emotional eating for a healthier body. Some changes are simple others are more involved.

I’m fine rolling through my 40s in a customized life. Until I’m dead, there will always be room and time to improve and cruise.

Character Arc IRL: The Wound

I’ve been writing a lot, lately. I’ve been studying the craft of writing as I go. From Easy A, we learn that often times that which we study academically will be mirrored in our personal lives. I like to think that lesson isn’t just a plot device. This writing craft is interesting stuff because truly stories are but imitations of real life. And life is lived stories, no?

Pretty sure I was a darn sweet boyfriend.

Recently I posted about the demise of a relationship. *Sigh* It was not a smooth departure, an exit fraught with bumps and potholes. From the “bumps” that lined the path to our break up, I saw that Now-Ex (I’m going to refer to him as such because anonymity and all) had what writers like to call “emotional wounds”, instances of trauma (both mild and intense) that find a way to color our approach to making decisions.

I didn’t see all this right away because he was really cute, and made me laugh. Like, can’t breath tears streaming down my face LoL’ing. I just thought I had failed to be the perfect boyfriend.

Then I got feedback from Maria, a freelance editor. She expounded on the amazing concept of the emotional wound. Apparently my Main Character was lacking one. At least, it wasn’t apparent. What made him want to do the things he did? What fears spurred him or held him back? This lack of past trauma seemed to make him a bit flat. Fair enough. A little bit of pain in life can definitely help add depth to character. I mean, would Thanos have been as compelling if he hadn’t seen his home planet deteriorate? Emotional wound at play. In Hocus Pocus, if Max hadn’t been subjected to bullying (emotional wound) or having lost his friends due to a move (ah! Emotional wound.) then he probably wouldn’t have had the motivation to light that blessed candle, ergo there wouldn’t have been a charming little story.

Hoodie smelled like Now-Ex for weeks.

I needed to find an emotional would for MY character. He needs that extra…sauce, if you will, that lets the reader know this person has seen some things or had some things happen in his life that explain why he is so ambitious, why he doesn’t see a necromancer’s (it’s a fantasy adventure, btw) plot as diabolical. Emotional wounds give writers a map for a character’s journey from one type of person to something different.

I looked no farther than Now-Ex, because what most of us do after a break-up is analyze it to…I was going to say death, but it’s already dead if you’re broken up. It’s like taking road kill home. Yes! Taking it home and pulling the poor creature’s already broken body apart just to, you know, see.

What did I see when I took the painful step of looking around?

I saw that I was pretty decent boyfriend. I also saw that Now-Ex had more emotional wounds than I realized. Well, he had a lot of infection from a couple of emotional wounds. I pieced together what I observed and came to a few conclusions about what Now-Ex must have suffered and how that impacted our….story.

I won’t lay bare all his shit; like an entire post of the emotional wounds manifested. All I’m going to say is: this is why you don’t kick kids out because they’re LGBTQ+. This is why moving around a whole bunch messes kids up (especially if you don’t take the time to process it with the child). This is also why we can’t be afraid or embarrassed of therapy. We use crutches like drugs, sex, or, as in Now-Ex’s case, pets to stopper the trauma. When his poor Sweeite passed all that was left was the added pain of her absence, on top of all the emotional damage that she had helped to mask.

I can still hear Now-Ex’s howls as his little Coping Mechanism left this world. I wish I could un-hear him wailing about how sorry he was that he couldn’t save her. Emotional wound made manifest.

R.I.P Sweetie.

I’m sure we can all point to our own wounds. Sometimes they are only revealed as we travel through our owns stories and we are faced with decisions. Do we let the emotional wounds win over? Or do we face them and steer the other way, to a healthier, more self-aware sense of being?

I guess I left Now-Ex because I was afraid he wasn’t trying to over-come his emotional wound. I had a feeling he found comfort in it. I get it. He went through a significant amount of trauma.

And now I have fodder to help me craft a better, more relatable character. I have a feeling my Main Character’s emotional wound will, like Now-Ex, be related to his mother.

Chocolate Review: Compartes Chocolates

Image Courtesy of Compartes.com

We’re going to go on an adventure. Sweet. Textured. Calories. Not that you should worry about those. Not while you read this little review of a confectionary legend known as Compartes Chocolates, which I personally discovered whilst randomly scouring the internet for images of chocolate bars, as I *do* worry about caloric intake.

They they were: an array of bars with quirky flavors. I had never heard of this this well-established purveyor of chocolates, which had been in business since the ’50s. Yeah, native to the Los Angeles area. That’s a helluva long time to be making sweets.

A few bars (which are generally priced at $9.95) I ordered so that I too may be in the know. I picked through the extensive catalog and selected three. Here’s what I thought…

#1: Cereal Chocolate Bar

This jumped out to me because I’ve been a long-time fan of cereal, particularly anything with a marshmallow. Look! You can SEE the magical ‘mallow shapes IN the chocolate. Not only do you get the “Lucky Charms” experience, there’s also some corn flakes embedded in this bar. A bite of this dandy tasted like a spoonful of Lucky Charms Frost Flakes cereal. Seriously, it’s a thing and you should have experienced it by now.
Now, if you don’t like your chocolate on the SWEET side, you prefer a tinge on the semi-sweet side, then this might not appeal to you. I found this bar to be highly favorable. Sweet-tooth slayer!

#2: California Dreaming Brownie Dark Chocolate Bar

When I undressed this selection, a potent coco aroma struck me, and that is a lovely thing. It’s pleasant to have food that meets multiple senses. I confess spending a few more seconds inhaling the scent.
The taste that followed was quite a strong. The dark chocolate (at 72% cocoa, if I recall) was not timid. This left the brownie portion of the bar to be more of an echo than the lead. Now, the chocolate tastes quality; not like your generic, mass-produced waxy chocolate, so no complaints. I was hoping for more brownie-flavor to show up though, truth be told.
Of course I finish the whole thing with no regrets. Dashingly noir.

Bar #3: Campfire S’mores Dark Chocolate Bar

Again, marshmallows. I do love them. I also adore a crunch to my food. This dark chocolate-based bar did not have as striking a scent as the Brownie one. It was still a smooth experience, though. The crunch was prominent enough for my liking. I was actually surprised by the distinct flavor of the graham cracker, elevating that element from mere texture to a star flavor. Through this experience I’ve realized that I prefer my chocolate to be on the milder side. 70% cocoa might be a bit of a heavyweight for my delicate palate. More like unrefined, am I right?
I was pleased with the volume of graham, but left a bit wanting on the marshmallows, but that’s my level of fascination with ’em. There’s never enough. If I were to be as objective as possible…with chocolate…then I would say that the disparate parts were represented proportionally. Rustic Revelry.

There you have it…my venture (thus far) into the wonderful world of Compartes Chocolates. There’s so many more chocolate bar creations I’ve yet to try that I’m certain this won’t be my last review of Jonathan’s wildly inventive recipes. There’s avocado chocolate, for crying out loud!

No “There & Back Again”: A Relationship

I’ve absorbed a fair amount of imagery from The Lord of the Rings. Between reading the book a good ten times, and seeing the movies repeatedly, it’s no wonder a lot of the story coats my frame-of-reference.

My latest relationship, for example, when it was…terminated about a month ago, I couldn’t help but dress it up in analogies from Tolkien’s fantastical opus. It was towards the end that I began to see the life-cycle of my relationship with this…pretty nifty guy (I thought) in terms of Lord of the Rings characters .

I’m sitting there thinking about how he and I started. It started out like Arwen and Aragon; you know: romantic and what not.

Courtesy of New Line Cinema

Then there was the moment that I realized we had turned into Eowyn and Aragon. An air of unequal, un-reciprocated energy permeating the relationship. Or, me being in love with an idea instead of an actual person.

Courtesy of New Line Cinema

Then, as the end approached I saw our relationship as the sort that Sam and Frodo had: friends, wherein one is the support for another. There were plenty of legitimate reasons why I often said to him (in my own way) “I can’t carry it but I can carry you…”

Courtesy of New Line Cinema

We didn’t quite make it to the other side of the fall of the One Ring and get to enjoy adventures down that road that goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began, but this shadow is passing thing, though.

Lord of the Rings…a mammoth story with loads of life-lessons.

Advice: Listen at Your Own Risk

Let me start off with a line from the renowned novel Lord of the Rings:
“Ask not the elves for advice, because they will tell you both ‘yes’ and ‘no’.”

Yeah, take not the dispensing of advice or commentary lightly. It lands heavily, denting the spot on which it lands….metaphorically.

Reminds me of a recent string of feedback I received from a Beta Reader on my current Work In Progress (a fantasy adventure). A sticking point for this reader was the reactions of my protagonist, Aster, to certain situations….

“I want more of a reaction from these characters to make them seem more relatable. Or at least something that hints that Aster has more mixed feelings, that he’s not just going to let it go, etc.“

“Wait… are we actually going to see the glimpsest hint of believable, appropriate emotion from Aster?“

These comments have haunted me for days. No writer likes to hear that their work isn’t genius and pure perfection right out the gate. It’s usually not, but I’d like to think it’s something quite palatable, so when I see feedback like this I think: did I fall THAT short of the mark?

What is “the mark” though? What constitutes a believable reaction? People are so varied, beyond quantifying. That means characters are as well. Should one person’s expectations be the standard by which all characters (and even people) are measured? No. No, and recognizing that was pretty darn liberating. Advice in proportion isn’t as intimidating. And maybe, just maybe, I wrote something that is actually pretty nifty and not as broken as I believed.

Point is, duly consider advice/feedback, but don’t give it more power or prominence than is needed. Also, be judicious in offering advice/comments.

Chocolate Review: ChocolateChocolateChocolate (No, that isn’t a typo)

For the sake of this post let’s just call it Triple-C. As much as I love chocolate, I’m not inclined to type it out that frequently. This is a review I should have written a while ago, when I actually first tasted the chocolate in question.

If you haven’t heard of the Triple-C Company, then you can be forgiven. It’s not exactly in every grocery store and not exactly $0.99. It’s out there and has been since 1981, when the Abel family ventured into the wonderful world of small-batch, hand-crafted chocolates.

So. Much. Dang Chocolate! (Courtesy of Triple-C’s Instagram @stlchocolate)

I first met Triple-C whilst pursuing the selection of bars at my local World Market. They tended to have a neater variety than the grocery store. Their website offered the full spectrum of flavors. I decided the time had come to sample what Triple-C truly had to offer. The best approach was an option they call the “Custom Bar Library”.

Based in Missouri, this family-owned confectionary churns out bars, artesian truffles, and caramels. Going through their Instagram feed is like ending up the Willy Wonka film. Not a bad thing.

A litany of confectionaries. Image courtesy of @sltchocolate on Instagram

This guy was the bar I found at World Market. The sugar cone is what drew me in and the caramel sealed the deal. Huge fan of vanilla caramel. The nice thing too was that the caramel filling wasn’t such a mess that the experience was ruined. 
This dish balanced smooth and crunchy in such a professional manner. It’s no wonder I added it to my “library” instead of an unfamiliar flavor. Yeah, I’d unwrap this one hella times. 

 Citrus and chocolate? Duh!

Now, it’s tough to screw up the citrus chocolate duo. It’s basically fail-safe. Been done for decades. We’ve all had a chocolate orange, no?
When the citrus flavor came in the form of an infused caramel, that stoked my curiosity. This bar did not disappoint. I believe my first reaction was “boy, that is a bright flavor.” It was too. You get a real punch when the caramel breaks free from the dark chocolate. Not a K.O. punch, but just enough that you seriously take notice. I’d give this one a few unwraps for sure. 

How could I not?

It’s birfday cake so of course I’m going to. I’m not going to hate on this bar, because really…Triple-C has some tasty chocolate regardless of the filling. In the same breath, the filling in this was one was pretty average. There wasn’t anything signature about the birthday cake center. It was tasty like any other birthday cake flavored treat, which is probably why I wasn’t terrible impressed. And that’s ok. They can’t all be stellar. Yeah, wouldn’t unwrap this one more than a couple times, not until all over flavors have been sampled.

This was a wild card. I wasn’t sure what to expect. It had been a while since a cannoli had passed my lips (not innuendo). A sweet creamy filling follows each bit of that tasty chocolate that Triple-C always provides. It’s what I would call a whimsical experience. The Cannoli filling isn’t so sweet either. I would order this one again. Yeah: no lie. It’s a keeper. Unwrap over and over.

Why is Writing like a Relationship?

A lot of experiences are probably analogous to relationships; they’re just that intricate.

I’ve recently found myself entrenched in a relationship and I say that with much genuine enthusiasm. I’ve had a good 8 year streak of being single. I feel like I’ve spent enough time honing myself that sharing that self with someone is right.

Hurray for metaphors!

For the most part it’s still pretty much flowers since it’s still in that six-month range, but there have been serious discussions and some bumps, mainly owning to communication. That has spurned the idea: why is a relationship like writing?

Well,good reader, I will tell you….

1. Drafts
   Just writing the story down is important. Doesn’t even have to be perfect that first time around. What’s the saying? Can’t edit an empty page. Yeah, so much like a relationship!
   When I’m in a mood or whatnot, or am not on board with certain plans…well, the BF can’t read my mind. We just need to speak our mind, let the communication flow. If your partner is attuned and mature they will help you edit with follow-up questions. If you have a selfish brat as a partner then gawd help you.
   
2. Character Arcs
   We’ve all read them: hero starts out reluctant or kind of an asshole. Then the adventure happens and they end up brave or empathetic. Usually how it goes.
   Well, we all experience our own arcs. It’s called learning. And if the relationship is absent an arc then the relationship is absent growth and that which does not grow regresses and withers. I mean, the BF is into me because I’m a particular kind of individual. If that doesn’t exists then the interest doesn’t last. If he grows but I do not, will the relationship survive? I wouldn’t think so.
   
3. Drama is NOT story
   I think a lot of people confuse the two, too. Soaps live off just drama, bad stuff happening to characters. That isn’t story though. Story is a conflict and growth. It’s experiences through theme.
   A relationship isn’t exiting when it’s all drama. It’s not boring when it’s long conversation between two individual curious about one another not a parade of dramatic moments. I find myself knowing the BF with these long discussions, finding the disagreements and the commonalities; searching out his views, where he’s been and where he wants to go.
   
4. Conflict IS Story
   Finding that really good adventure, the one that fits your character and teaches him/her something valuable is such a good story. An agreeable world that gives your character everything she/he wants is not going to keep readers going. A character that breezes through every challenge isn’t appealing either.
   I don’t want a relationship with constant bickering and disagreement (see the previous point), but a BF with whom I agree incessantly isn’t going to keep my attention either. It’s been nice to see dimension with my BF. We don’t agree on every single thing because that is about as interesting as constantly squabbling.
   
5. Experience is the Best Teacher
   The best way to learn to write is to write. Sure, some courses and counsel are going to server the author. There’s going to be that long climb to reach the point of wisdom. The story that is in a person’s mind/heart will not make it out into the world until the author stops planning and starts typing. you can prepare, plan, and research on and on and on, but the story won’t get written until you just go for it.
   There’s no better way to improve at relationships than to dive into one. Leave it all out there and ride the waves. The key to connection is to lower the walls, be open (even a bit vulnerable) and commit. I wanted to say the L-word to the BF for a few weeks and I just kept it back thinking it was too early. But hey, it was a feeling that was there, so I finally let that expression loose upon him. Yeah, I said it and it’s been a pleasure to repeat. I don’t think there’s enough preparation in the world for the force of emotions and the investment that is a relationship.

A lil bit of Happily Ever After never hurt…

There you have it: writing and relationships…they’re not that different. Hopefully you find love (in yourself or with another) or a great story….ideally both. Thank you for coming to my “TED TALK”, as they say.

A Treatise (Sort of) on Clever

I’m having a conversation with a friend who happens to be an indie filmmaker. I had just viewed his latest project. You should go give his YouTube channel a view.

His work is layered with little details to which he commented about his need to balance story and those fine details that created a sort of second dimension. The word clever was thrown around a bit.

This made me recall the many times that I’ve told myself: I’m not clever enough to be considered a great/talented writer. Yeah, the self-depreciating dialog is strong in this one. *pointing at self*

I decided to review the catalog of writers I’ve enjoyed in a sort of subjective experiment. Were all of them suitably clever, as I see the word? Is every work they publish of the caliber of wit and observation, as I see it in my head.

Sometime it’s very unfair to put upon ourselves lavish standards. Aiming high and constant self-improvement is a noble endeavor but just maybe the measuring tape in our minds is a little too skewed?

So here’s the Tea: not every successful writer (or creative person) is clever. Sometimes maybe, just maybe, the writer (creator) in question is just highly imaginative.

Of Hellraiser fame.

Like dear Clive Barker here. He has quite the catalog of horror writing/film making. I’ve read a few of his books (and I highly encourage anyone reading this blog to read Books of Blood…after the blog post). I haven’t seen anything particularly clever about his work. Most of the time it’s just so damn far out there and that’s the appeal. I enjoy a lot of his work just the same. It’s…juicy, with plenty of twists and moments that make you wonder: such bizarre circumstances could actually happen. I like that. I enjoy being lost in his version of worlds. Creepy appeals too. Creepy, but not particularly clever.

I don’t need to say his name. You already know.

I may get flayed for this but this guy, the Stephen King, is not exactly clever in my eyes. He is vastly prolific. He’s highly imaginative. I respect the volume of work that he produces. I’m in awe of it, in fact. He doesn’t fall into my view of clever. Oh, he has opened up so many worlds that are deep, unsettling at times, and entertaining on so many levels. Still: not clever.

If you don’t know, you should. I started with The Poisonwood Bible

How about I share with you my version of clever?
This is terrible for a writer to say, but I’m not entirely sure how to encapsulate the vision I have of clever. So examples! Barbara Kingslover…she is clever. Her writing feels elevated. That isn’t to say that literature is of higher quality than commercial fiction. Not so. Her voice, her settings, her stories, just feel a certain kind of luscious. To me, that luxe is an aspect of clever. I guess what she brings, versus what Barker brings is a type of insight vs. his unleashed storytelling.

A man steeped in clever

The other shade of clever is going to the witty version, probably what most people think when they hear the word.
I don’t often find myself snapping lines that elicit amused chuckles. Johnathan L. Howard has written some witty (read: clever) stuff. I find myself charmed by the characters and dialog in his Johannes Cabal series. Some writers just have the knack to work with charm and amusement the way some artists work in clay and paints. That is clever!

So, I may not excavate the sort of insight that Kingslover does with her characters and settings. I may not craft charming, chuckle-inducing dialog like Howard, but I can find in myself the worlds imagined and unleash them like Barker and King.

Merely Functional

I sat behind the counter, where I often find myself because, well, the store is just too crowded to wander about. Watching the people fuss over sizes and styles, helping them not fuss as much, and then “have a nice day” them right out the door.

Rinse and repeat. Day in and day out.

But I don’t hate my job. The location is beautiful. The customers are generally pleasant. The work is…work, you know. It’s like enough. But is it?

My commute is better than yours (photo courtesy of Ken Lund of Flickr)

There doesn’t need to be outright hatred for there to be a lack of love, passion. Remember in the Bible how it said:

“So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew thee out of my mouth.”

Yeah, Revelations; the trippy book.

Lukewarm, nothing especial. Ideally, describes someone who is living merely by Function. Function are the things you have to do; survival mode. “Function” is the approach that you do what is practical at the expense of all other pursuits.

What other pursuits, you may wonder? Certainly not the evasion of responsibility, but the incorporation of something more, something called “Purpose”. I go into my job, that I don’t particularly hate, and then go home and clean up, eat, consume a bit of entertainment. Function!

There is more to be had though. You feel it first before you see or understand it. You don’t HATE the arrangement of your life, but there is nothing hot nor cold about it. You’re in a room-temperature life.

Purpose vs Function, that is the theory I’ve been stuck on for the past couple of years. Maybe it is because my life feels more like a swamp than a river? I see friends and acquaintances rolling along, right on by. Suddenly Function doesn’t feel like much at all.

No, not THAT kind of purpose…

It’s not. We need to live Purpose, not just Function. Finding it is probably the easy part. Crafting a Purpose-centric life is going to be an uphill climb. It is easy, comfortable, to just fulfill a Function.

I found a purpose, and I love it. When I’m living my desired Purpose, the sense of accomplishment fills me up and off I go like a hot air balloon. It’s amazing how Purpose can lift you above Function and help you see living/life in a new way. There are days when putting a full effort into my purpose is a struggle. The desire to sit comfortably weighs heavy and I sink into the couch. Then there are the moments I put my all into my Purpose and I look it up and down and wonder why it just seems like I did a shit job? So I remind myself what life is like being merely Functional, and I’m up and at it again.

Hopefully the day will arrive when Purpose is all that I need to focus on; the Function will take care of itself. That is the dream.

Until then, another day arrives and I sit up, think of my Purpose even as I pull on my socks to get ready to muddle through the Function.

What is your Purpose? Or, what Purpose would you like to fulfill?

Book Club: Frankenstein’s Conclusion

I finished the book. The last segment, 40 or so pages. As I read, it all seemed to speak about relationships. The whole story felt like it was more of a character study in human society than a science fiction thriller.

Whether you finished it or not, I guess I’ll never know. By now, I don’t think I even care to know. Do you remember when we first discussed this little venture?
At Barnes and Nobles you suggested the idea. I agreed. You followed up with “are you sure?” several times. You called into question my commitment, yet there I waited at that Starbucks, our usual table…the one where you sit and you can see the other three faces that would, in theory, be looking back. But there was really only ever the two of us, about which I had no complaints.

You never showed though, to hear all the things I had noticed or questioned about the plot, characters, or the themes. You had overslept, even missed the gym you said. Well, I can’t be too mad.

I had just hoped for more. And I was betrayed by that hope.

Wherever you are, probably still in Salt Lake City since you appear on the dating apps, hopefully you finished the book.

And that very day I read Elizabeth’s letter to Victor:
“I, who have so disinterested an affection for you, may increase your miseries tenfold by being an obstacle to your wishes.” Had you read that letter? It leapt off the page and plastered itself all over my current situation.

But some situations are tulips: beautifully flowering into perfectly recognizable symmetry, even if just for a few days.

Image courtesy of Lisa Brewster on Flickr Creative Commons.

Others, though, abide and are more akin to giant redwoods: deeply rooted, standing up to the passage and challenge of time, to reach heights of greatness. Both are admirable.

Image courtesy of Ryan Milani of Flickr Creative Commons.

As Walton wrote to his sister: “I have gained him only to know his value, and lose him.”

Something like that.